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Jakarta, Indonesia
a sucker for city lights.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Just Breathe

Breathe.

As simple as it is. Just breathe.

I might be only eighteen but I've been going through shit that probably most of you never thought of. The kind of shit that keeps you up all night, wondering why are you even alive. The kind of shit that takes away your feeling and left you with nothing but emptiness; the kind of shit that dries your tears, and you don't even have desire to cry anymore. Yes, I've been through that.

It was probably the hardest part of my life so far. I was so far away from everyone I knew literally. They were either over 10000 miles away or, they were present but totally out of my space. I was sucked into a bottomless black hole.

I remember that night. The talk, and then I went to my room and sat on my bed. I only had one standing light in my room, I turned that on and I rolled my body, hugging my knees on my bed. I stared into blank spaces for hours. I watched the clock as it went on and on, I was just there, hugging my knees, feeling nothing. I couldn't cry and I didn't feel like crying either. I felt dead. I felt nothing. I felt empty. I breathe but I couldn't breathe. I couldn't taste the air, I couldn't feel the air ran down my respiration, I was weighed with this huge amount of burden, a burden that was a mixed of everything. Lots of negative words mostly. I couldn't breathe.

I tried to put some music on. I put on Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry on repeat. I didn't cry. But I still couldn't breathe.

I couldn't breathe for days. I felt like a walking dead. I went on a walk, thought that I might finally be able to breathe, but even in my neighborhood with tons of trees that obviously produce oxygen and fresh air, I still couldn't breathe.

I went running. I gasped, I ran, I ran as fast as I can, hoping that after I ran out of air because of running I would taste the joy of breathing again. I fell on my knees, I sat on the grass, then I cried. I still couldn't breathe.

Not being able to breathe was rough. Nothing seemed to cheer me up. Nothing could make me my heart smile (just because it's too easy to put smile on my face, fake of course in case you're wondering) I felt so dead. I felt empty, yet so full of burden that kept me from breathing.

Then I went to my friends' house for a sleepover. We had good time. We ran, we went shopping, we took pictures, we had pizza. Lots of laughter, not sure was it forced or not, but I could say it was still comfortable for not-breathing mode-on me.

Next day we went to her relatives' house. They were complete stranger to me of course, maybe that's what I needed. We hung out on the balcony, slouching lazily on the hammocks, eating chocolate popsicles. It wasn't a chilly day, but the wind was nice enough to tickle our yawning reflex. I was so sleepy...I was tired. She started talking random things...rambling about this and that...but it was all beautiful, happy things. Between my heavy eyelids and the wind, it was almost like a dream.

Then we went down to the hill. There was a host. She had this crazy idea how if we took shower out here and I freaked out 'come on we're friggin eighteen and they're in the house watching us' but she didn't care. She splashed a huge amount of water on me, left me soaking wet from head to toe. I started laughing and revenged her. We ran around like a 5 years old until she laid on her back on the grass, and dared me to rolling down the hill. I didn't want to, but again she laughed so impulsively I did. I rolled down the hill, in my soaking wet clothes, in a nice windy and sunny afternoon in a place far far away from my home. I hit a bush of plants, I laughed so hard on what an idiot I was. She laughed. We both laughed until we're tired and ran out of breath.

"Just breathe," she said.
I smiled a little, then I did. I breathe.

I breathe.

I almost burst into tears when I felt that. When the weight were lifted off my shoulder, slowly, and disappeared. I felt the air inside me, I felt the relieve, I felt when I let go my breathe, I felt alive. I finally felt alive.

And that was all I did. Just breathe.

I learned that whenever I feel like I'm falling apart, just take a second, spare myself from the crowd, and just breathe. Just breathe. Don't think. Just breathe.

It works!

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