As a child, when I accidentally woke up in the middle of the night, I often watched my mom and dad sleeping, checking whether they're still breathing. It's assuring to little me to know that my parents were just sleeping, they're still alive... just sleeping.
There is not enough space in the world to share you the story of my upbringing and about my parents. But in this post I would just like to write down the story of my father, Papa, while I still remember it. I usually pride myself for having a good memory, but I don't want to jeopardize losing memories of Papa... and that is the sole reason of writing this entry.
People said that a girl's first love is their father, and while I might argue that doesn't apply to anyone, I agree that having the presence of a father in your life while growing up is critical. Role of a father might differ between son and daughter, but as my fathers' only daughter, and as a woman, I know that father is associated with strength, stability, and protection, and that is what Papa has given me growing up. We are not a wealthy family but we are comfortable - but it has not always been the case - but I am eternally grateful for this. I've experienced taking public transport for years during my school days - but I experienced having my Dad drove & picked me up after school too, at one point I've experienced driving my parents car to campus. I've experienced having to save money to buy secondhand Lupus book in Pasar Senen, but I've also experienced having the latest Samsung Galaxy phone.
Now that I make money on my own, my goal is more about how to make life enjoyable for both my parents - I only want them to be comfortable, to eat yummy food, to not worried about anything, to visit beautiful places, and many more. As my work require a lot of hours, I don't get to meet them often, but I try to make sure to keep in touch with them. Now that it has been more than a year since working from home, I simultaneously had more & less time with them. I spent all day at home working, coming down to have my meals (which my mom/dad religiously texted me on Whatsapp informing menu of the day), chat a bit, then going up again to my room. In normal days, I meet them in the morning and at night (sometimes), but I can also plan getaways and vacation to have real quality time. Now that Papa is gone, it almost feels like every opportunity to do that has been taken away from me. I have planned to take Mama Papa on a vacation to Turkey, I've browsed around and saved my money, but because of pandemic I don't dare to take them out yet. It's such a pity indeed that this goal of mine will never be realized...
My relationship with Papa felt like a typical Asian father - daughter relationship, words of affirmation were never our love language, it's always quiet but I'm sure we both know that we care and love each other. My father was always there for me driving me just anywhere - at my big age, back in the days when life is normal, my father drove me to work everyday. Sometimes with mom and my nephew. He didn't have to do that of course, after all in the beginning, I took public transport too (like in my previous post). But gradually somehow he found reason to drive me to work everyday saying he had business to do too (not sure whether it's real or not, btw) but anyway.
Papa indeed had experienced some illnesses in the past year and going to hospital is not new anymore, every time he admitted to hospital I always had this thought is this the time... but he came back every time. My mom is always by his side all the time, and I know deep in my heart we both had the same worry. I never liked seeing people in pain - that's why I don't watch medical drama, nor gore or thriller - so I had always held back on showing my worry. I prefer to convince myself that Papa will be back to health again and life will be normal again. Sadly, not this time.
Papa passed away on a Friday, surrounded by all of us. Buried the next day, the weather was nice, not too hot. Everything went so smooth, seems like the universe all in our side that day.
No more Papa who always texted me either menu of the day or the job opportunity at Pertamina (I have to admit though they have excellent medical benefit)
No more Papa who always know my food order (not spicy, omelette rather than overeasy egg)
No more Papa who always offer to drive or pick me up whenever I have to go for outstation
No more Papa who likes to sit in the living room watching some of his favorite series
No more Papa who loves chocolate whom I always try to buy him some whenever I do online grocery shopping
No more Papa who taught me how to drive and essentially get it in my head that driving is not just driving but once you're behind the steering wheel, you are responsible for your life, people in the car's life, and anybody else out there.
No more Papa who loves to experiment with cooking, sometimes it doesn't work but I eat it anyway
No more Papa who always filled my lunch box with too many food (I kid you not, Papa would put eggs, chicken and beef in my lunch box............ as if one protein is not enough)
No more Papa who always filled the dining table with too much food I often confused where to start...
No more Papa who sometimes even deliver the food to my room when I'm too busy with work but the food cannot wait
No more Papa whom I could buy him food, I always make sure he got the best & biggest ones
No more Papa to travel with me and Mama...
No more Papa who somehow still remember little details about my friends from elementary, middle school, high school...
No more Papa who loves to wander around on his own whenever we go shopping (and me & Mama often freaked out because of this)
No more Papa...
And I am officially fatherless, and I don't know how to get over this broken heart.
