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Jakarta, Indonesia
a sucker for city lights.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Dear Lecturer

I've been thinking about writing this post for quite some time, so here it comes.


Dear lecturer,
First of all, I want you to know that you are awesome. No, seriously. This is not me trying to kiss your butt up. I do find you awesome (and I know almost everyone in our class thought the same). I think you're aware that you're awesome, but I just need to let you know what I (we) think about you.
I'm always fascinated by smart people. Not just academic smart nor street smart; just smart in general. Like, people who actually think and utilize their brain. I aspire to be one someday. I kinda aspire to be like you, someday. You are that awesome.

I'm kind of confused though. Why do I get the sense that you think we hate you? I hate to think that I know what other people think, but here it comes. Every time you talk to us, both during good and bad times, I feel like you're kind of cornering us to say that yes, you are an awful lecturer. You declare yourself as the bitchy lecturer who force us to read the materials. Truth is, YOU ARE FREAKING NOT. Yes, at times your words can be harsh, but we can bear with it. We may not cry in joy when you point out that we have to read this and do that, but that doesn't mean we hate it. Do you know how much we (I) love getting new knowledge from you? Do you know how enlightened we(I) feel after leaving your class? Do you know how much we(I) like to refer to what you taught us in class? (Though this is against your standpoint, we should refer to the reading materials. But oh well...we're still learning, after all, so pardon us please? :P But I assure you, we're trying here.) We see your point and your good intentions and we're grateful for it. We don't hate you. We like you, we like the way you teach, we like the subject you teach, we're grateful for the knowledge you share. We may not show it, we're not perfect students, but yes, we, in general, we like you (cos love is such a heavy word). So please, don't ever think that we hate you when in fact, we like you so very much. 

(anyway, I said earlier how I hate to think that I know what other people think then I accused you right after. I totally see the irony. Duh me.)

Moving on.

I owe you an apology. Sometimes I forget that despite all your awesomeness, you're just a human being like us. Sometimes I forget that you're not a robot; you also have feelings. Sometimes I let my admiration to you cloud my judgement of you. I did, more than once, thought that such an awesome, open minded person like you should never, ever, act or talk in the way that you did. I forgot that you are human. You, I, us, we all are fluid. We feel what we feel.

I hope you don't find my (our) admiration to you as a burden. 

It broke my heart when you offered us to switch lecturer. I immediately asked myself; am I really that bad of a student? Then I thought, no. I'm not a bad student. I'm not a perfect student either, but definitely not a bad student. I prepare for your class (though I don't always get it), I never came late, I don't play with my gadgets (well, sometimes I swipe over the screen for a quick look but that's it I can't help), I speak my thoughts in class, I ask question though not always (and not a very good question, too). I'm definitely not a good student, but I am, not in any way, a bad student.

You once said that you accept us for the way we are, and in return, we have to accept you for who you are. Couldn't agree more. 

I think what we need is just...a thorough, meaningful, conversation. Communicate our feelings. I think. I think. I think once we get to see where each other stand...I think, I think. I think we'll do just fine. I think we'll get along. I think.

I know what happened last week was bad. I know what he did (I refuse to address it as a group's action) totally upset you. I understand. But I would like, very much, for you to not put aside the other 29 kids in the class who already prepared to come to your class. I understand you don't want to treat us differently. I understand your good intention, I really do. I just would like very much for you to not overlook us who really want to learn from you.

I am such a demanding student, I know. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Pink

Pink is my identity.
My philosophy of pink: it is soft, sweet, bubbly, yet strong and present. A mix of boldness and purity. Eye-candy but has a firm presence.

Exactly what I want to be.

Eulogy

For she who left her imprints on the wind,
And he whose heart is taken away
As she never thought that this is the way
Their bond must come to mind;
As it is ending.
As the last air fade away
As the bond made by the ring;
Loses its glow and decay.

And he never thought
That love could be so cold
When she does not exist in the world
Anymore

Friday, July 18, 2014

Hypocrisy much?

Preacher.

I have learned the hard way that it is best not to argue with them about anything, let alone religion matters. They are preachers; they're shaped that way. Arguing with them won't give me any good anyway, so I learned to just bear with it. But this one thing really bothers me.

As I grew older, I realize that more and more people around me have come closer to their God; they become more and more religious as the day goes by. I don't really know what caused that; we're all in our 20s. Americans, in this case my American friends, do not get into that phase though. Well, maybe they weren't all that religious before, but so did many of my friends. Maybe it's the culture. I don't know, maybe.

As for me, I have my own relationship with my Creator, which I will not reveal in this post. It is extremely personal for me and I intend to keep it that way. But in general, I have never been a strong follower in practicing the rituals in my religion. Though, I believe it does not correlate with my beliefs; what I fundamentally believe in. I just don't practice the practical, that is all. One might think that it is impossible to truly devoted to the religion if one leave out the practical, but for me the level of relationship between God and His creation can not be defined in such a narrow view. It is extremely personal and intimate area in a human's life that can never really be measured.

In my 20s, of course, the topic of marriage and wedding has come around to the table. Quite often, actually. My girl friends and I often wander off to those topics; from our dream husband until motherhood; from dating place to (our) future kids education. Such topics never really exist when we were back in High school and for me it's almost like a wake up call. You're a grown up now. Time to really, really think about getting your life together.

Anyway, back to religion. As most of my friends are quite religious now, I realized that it is also affecting their view on marriage and finding a life partner. Girls want guys who would be their Imam, leading the prayers before them. Guys want a shalehah girls, who would be devoted to their husband and their family. In this writing I want to point out the second, how guys are now craving for shalehah bride.

There is nothing wrong with it, of course. Totally understandable, after all who wouldnt want a devoted wife? One that is devoted to God, to her husband, and to her future children. One that knows how to carry a graceful manner, speaks softly, glowing face and smile, a feminine, delicate flower. Wearing hijabs and covering her body curves. A pure flower that is reserved to just one man. Oh yes, we can see why the idea is so tempting for men. Especially those who know how a devoted wife could be a way to get closer to their God, as a good man who can lead his family to the goodness in life is truly blessed and relatively has a good chance to go into Jannah. I don't know what the verses from the Qur'an are, but that is generally the idea.

I am so angry at this concept of perfect wife.

Oh please. Spare me the hypocrisy. Do not tell me that you guys all want a shalehah woman. What you guys want are beautiful woman that happens to be shalehah or the other way around. The point is, physical beauty still plays a huge part for men in making decision which one of the women they're about to get married to. And I find that such a hypocrisy. How dare you wish for a shalehah woman with a beautiful features. A really beautiful concept of shalehah is being collaborated with the shallow, artifical perception of beauty.

When there are two shalehah women being compared. With the same level of devotion to God, the same gracious manner, the same kind heart, over all have a similar quality. The one thing that is going to separate them from being some man's wife is now who is the better looking between them.

It is understandable. I want to say it is natural, but the fact is I don't know. But I can understand if a man chooses the more attractive one to be his bride. It leaves me feeling devastated, though.

If in the end, if your physical look is what matters...then why even bother? Why pretend like beautiful is not a major factor for a man? Why the hypocrisy? Why are you putting up shalehah as one of the traits, yet acting like putting up physical beauty would make you shallow when in fact yes it matters to you!

Beauty is relative, they say. Maybe not so much. There are standard of beauty. I am talking physical here, because I think inner beauty is a complete bullsh*t. It's an excuse, a treat to help one feel better about themselves.

In the end, what's going to happen then for the inattractive shalehah women?

This writing may seem...jumpy? I wrote it in my phone and it's annoying so I can't really explore my thoughts. Overall this is kind of a rant I'm having after seeing someone's post.

And men, please grow up.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Tentang Pilpres dan Lainnya

8 Juli 2014.

Besok, 9 Juli 2014, adalah Pemilu Presiden saya yang pertama. Saya masih menyimpan memori ketika dulu terduduk di depan televisi menyaksikan penghitungan suara di parlemen antara Megawati dengan Gus Dur, karena hampir semua televisi menyiarkan penghitungan tersebut yang buat saya membosankan karena cuma memperhatikan bapak-bapak itu menghitung suara. Kemudian tahun 2004, pemilihan langsung yang pertama di Indonesia. Pesertanya cukup banyak, saya masih ingat dalam perjalanan ke sekolah dari Bekasi, di lampu merah Halim ada papan reklame yang menampilkan 5 capres yang mencalonkan diri. Saya juga masih ingat terkagum-kagum pada sosok SBY yang ganteng, kharismatik, membawa slogan Bersama Kita Bisa yang menurut saya sangat mengesankan, bahkan bagi saya yang masih duduk di kelas 5 SD.
Kemudian datang tahun 2009. Pesertanya menyusut, menjadi tiga pasang saja. SBY - Boediono, JK - Wiranto, dan Megawati - Prabowo. Kala itu saya justru tidak terlalu tertarik lagi mengikuti pemberitaan pemilu, mungkin karena umur lagi labil-labilnya. Kampanye mereka tidak ada yang mengesankan seperti SBY di tahun 2004. Kala itu juga internet baru mulai berkembang sebagai sumber informasi, sebelum itu internet bagi saya sebatas tempat untuk ngeceng (Friendster) atau IM-an sama teman-teman.
Sekarang tahun 2014. Saya bukan lagi remaja labil (well...), umur saya telah menginjak angka 21. Labilnya mungkin masih tapi remajanya udah enggak. Sebagai mahasiswi di Fakultas Ilmu Sosial dan Ilmu Politik, omongan soal politik ini tidak lagi jadi subyek yang asing buat saya. Dan saya menikmatinya, terus terang. Politik yang selama ini hanyalah sebuah ranah yang berkabut, sejak duduk di bangku kuliah saya mendapatkan kesempatan untuk memahami politik dengan lebih terstruktur mengikuti pola pemikiran yang runut dengan basis keilmuan yang jelas. Bukan, jurusan saya bukan Ilmu Politik. Saya sangat menikmati jurusan saya yaitu Ilmu Komunikasi, karena jurusan saya ini memang berada di persimpangan jalan, alias bisa dengan mudah menclok di ranah apa saja. Salah satunya, politik.

2014 bukan lagi 2009. Internet dan sosial media jadi primadona Pemilihan Presiden tahun ini. Gempuran pendukung di dunia maya bagi saya sudah memasuki level meresahkan. Saya sendiri pada awalnya menempatkan diri sebagai swing voters, karena saya ingin melihat sampai akhir masa kampanye bagaimana sepak terjang kedua capres tahun ini, Jokowi dan Prabowo, berlaga. Saat ini saya sudah punya preferensi namun akan saya simpan sendiri saja. Saya melalui tulisan ini hanya ingin membagi keresahan saya terkait dengan Pemilihan Presiden tahun ini.

Entah mengapa, saya merasa takut sekali bahwa masyarakat Indonesia semakin hari semakin judgmental dan menyederhanakan segalanya. Mudah sekali terprovokasi. Mudah sekali mengoarkan dikotomi-dikotomi yang bagi saya, hanya membuat suasana menjadi tidak nyaman. Bukan, saya tidak hanya bicara eksklusif tentang negative campaign namun kampanye secara keseluruhan.

Hati saya rasanya teriris kala melihat teman-teman saya pun kini banyak yang memandang fenomena - fenomena pilpres ini dengan begitu sempit. Kalo lo gak A, ya pasti B. Kalo lo B, ya pasti begini, begitu, begini, begitu. Mungkin kalau ada yang baca akan menampik, "Ah, enggak ah!" . Tapi sadarkah kalian ketika kalian ngetweet " Kenapa bego banget sih ada yang mau milih X?" atau "Cuma orang tolol yang mau milih Y." " Gue milih X karena gue masih punya akal dan pikiran." itulah yang sedang kalian lakukan. Tambahkan embel-embel lain. Ya syiah lah, liberal lah, pecinta Orde Baru lah, gak ngerti HAM lah. Kalian mengeksklusifkan diri dan membentuk dikotomi - dikotomi tersebut. Kalimat - kalimat tersebut mengatakan bahwa yang tidak sependapat dengan kalian adalah bodoh, tolol, tidak punya akal dan tidak bisa mikir. Ah, yakin? Saya yakin kalian gak akan pernah ngomong terang-terangan sama mereka, "Lo itu bego, tolol, gak punya akal dan gak bisa mikir." Kalian pintar, berpendidikan dan punya etika. Saya yakin kalian juga tidak bermaksud "menyerang" secara personal. Tapi apalah arti intensi kalau akhirnya hilang dalam translasi. Salahin yang ngambil hati dong, orang bukan buat dia (doang). Bagaimana tidak diambil hati kalau yang bicara teman sendiri yang muncul di Timeline Twitter atau News Feed Facebook?

Well, to be fair, memang terserah saja sih mau nulis dan berpendapat apa juga. Mungkin kalian ngetweet seperti itu memang untuk boasting yourself aja. Atau pengen di retweet. Halal kok, gak papa, dimaklumi. Tapi saya hanya berpikir, berapa banyak teman kalian sendiri yang sedang kalian exclude dengan tweet seperti itu? Berapa banyak sakit hati yang tercipta? Berapa banyak kemarahan yang kalian sulut? Berapa banyak ketakutan akan dijudge yang kalian timbulkan? Sadarkah kemiripan perilaku kalian dengan perilaku pelaku bullying? Bagi saya sangat disayangkan sih, ketika masih banyak cara lain, bentuk kalimat lain, yang bisa kalian pakai untuk mendukung pilihan kalian tanpa ada resiko menyakiti hati orang lain.

Kemudian nyinyir. Saya termasuk penggemar sarcasm. Dalam artian, penikmat. Anak-anak Tumblr ngerti dong sarcasm di Tumblr tuh lucunya kayak gimana, dewa banget. Sarcasm juga tipe humor yang bikin saya jadi lebih gampang gaul dan ngerti pergaulan waktu survival (ehehehe gak kok, pertukaran pelajar) di Amerika setahun. Tapi dalam konteks ini, nyinyirnya makin pedes kayak cabe rawit. Pedesnya kadang borderline pengen ketawa sama pengen marah. Terus, nyinyirnya pake hati pula. Personal pula. Bikin sakit mata dan bikin dosa. Makanya saban ada debat capres pasti saya ngumumin bakal unfollow sementara yang nyinyir. Nothing personal, just trying to save my conscience. Btw, nyinyir sama sarcasm sama beda ya?

Ah, lo aja kali Nad sensitif amat. Insecure amat , kepedean itu tweet buat elo.
Yaa...gimana dong. Habis, saya teridentifikasi dalam golongan yang mereka ciptakan itu dikotominya...

Kadang, fanatisme memang bikin buta. Nggak kok, saya nggak akan bilang kalian yang fanatik buta. Saya juga gak bilang kalo mata saya yang paling jernih melihat segalanya. Tapi berhubung saya selama hampir seluruh masa kampanye ini memang swing voter, saya rasa saya cukup objektif dalam melihat dua kandidat, berhubung saya enggak ngefans sama dua-duanya.

Yang saya sedih lagi sih, karena kalian sudah memutuskan akan memihak saya merasa kalian selalu in denial. Yang paling kelihatan sih, pas lagi debat Capres. Entah kenapa rasanya jaraaaang banget saya lihat pendukung seberang mengapresiasi oponennya. Ya iyalah Nad, yakeleus... Ah, tapi kok buat saya jatohnya denial ya? Buat saya setiap debat dua-duanya punya highs and lows. Saya yakin kalian juga sadar, kok, karena after all kalian pintar, berpendidikan, dan punya etika. Tapi kenapa mendadak semuanya jadi dull begini? Ketika favorit kalian ngomong A yang agak gak masuk akal, kalian diam. Tapi kalau B yang ngomong, wah rame. Kalau A punya ide bagus diapresiasi setinggi-tingginya. Kalau B, antara dicuekin sama di cuih in.
Sebuah ide atau pemikiran bagi saya baiknya dipandang sebagai entitas sendiri saja. Jangan karna yang ngomong idola semuanya benar, yang diomongin lawan semuanya salah. Ya kan tapi Nad, gabisa dipisahin dong sama yang ngomong dan punya idenya. Ya iya juga sih, tapi kalau ternyata dengan dipisahin memandangnya jadi lebih clear kenapa enggak? Kalau ternyata selalu dilihat dari siapa yang ngomong hanya bikin rancu, kenapa tidak mulai dipisah?

Mungkin lagi-lagi kalau ada yang baca akan mikir, Ah, nggak juga ah. Yakin? Karena saya yang melihat dan merasakan perilaku kalian selama ini.

Next. Ketakutan dan semua what-ifs yang sering juga jadi senjata. Hmm...saya agak bingung sebenarnya nulisnya gimana. Pendukung Jokowi, salah satunya yang sering diucapkan adalah ketakutan Orde Baru bangkit lagi, ketakutan nanti ada bredel dan pembatasan kebebasan, ketakutan akan diculik trus menghilang (untuk yang terakhir saya mau nyinyir dikit. Kalian siapa sih dan kerjaannya emang ngapain sampe takut akan diilangin segala?!). Sementara pendukung Prabowo, takut akan ada liberalisasi agama, takut syiah, takut JIL, takut capres boneka, entah takut apa lagi. Dua kubu ini isu yang jadi senjatanya juga beragam dan duh, serem-serem. Mulai dari Pak Jokowi yang PKI sampai Prabowo yang nyuruh jarah rumah warga yang terbakar. Herannya saya sih cuma satu. Kita bicara masa depan. Nggak ada yang tau pasti, semua itu hanya prediksi. Trus kenapa harus paranoid?

Liat dari sejarahnya dong Nad. Prabowo tuh penjahat HAM. Nyulik-nyulik aktivis. Terbukti lagi, tuh dipecat!
Saya nggak akan bilang itu bohong, ya kan memang kejadian. Tapi untuk menyebut beliau sebagai penjahat HAM, ah siapalah saya bisa seenaknya melabeli orang. Ngerti hukum enggak, ngerti HAM juga cetek banget. Berlawanan lah yang jelas dengan conscience saya untuk melabeli orang seenaknya. Hal yang sama juga berlaku untuk Jokowi. Yang namanya fakta sejarah ya memang fakta, mau saya berbusa-busa bikin fiksi sejarah lain pada hakikatnya fakta tidak akan berubah. Tapi intinya sama, saya tidak ingin melabeli siapapun seenaknya.

Sejarah memang tujuannya menurut guru SMA saya adalah cara manusia untuk mempelajari kesalahan di masa lalu supaya tidak terjadi di masa depan. Saya enggak inget tuh, fungsi sejarah sebagai pencipta ketakutan dan paranoia sama masa depan. Sementara hal itu yang saya lihat sekarang. Fakta sejarah antara dipakai untuk mengendorse favorit atau untuk menciptakan ketakutan. Why is everybody being so paranoid of the unknown?

Kalau ada yang baca, mungkin ada yang bakal mendecak dan mikir, ah lu aja Nad gak ngerti sejarah. Iya kok, nilai Sejarah saya emang gak bagus-bagus amat. Malah bagusan nilai US History saya daripada sejarah Indonesia (ceritanya pamer dikit). Tapi kalau saya lempar balik, apakah dengan pengertianmu tentang sejarah lantas semua ketakutanmu di masa depan kalau dipimpin sama X atau Y bisa dijustifikasi?

Saya rasa enggak. Sesat pikir malah kalo ada yang jawab iya.

Udahlah, jangan terlalu paranoid. Manfaatnya apa sih? Orang yang memang punya kondisi kejiwaan yang suka paranoid aja saya yakin nggak ingin paranoid. Ini kita yang alhamdulillah sehat malah nyusahin hati dan pikiran sendiri. Masih mending kalo dinikmati sendiri paranoidnya, lha kalo dibagi-bagi? Duh, makasih deh.

Keadaan toh udah berubah. Masyarakat lebih berdaya. Ah, ilusi itu mah Nad. Ya terserah deh mau ilusi atau gimana. Tapi secara general kita lebih bawel daripada rakyat jaman dulu. Kanal bawelnya banyak lagi. Nih, contohnya blog saya.

Saya gak mau jadi orang yang ultra pesimis sama negara. Gak mau juga terbuai sama janji-janji dua kandidat Capres tersebut. Realistis aja, siapapun yang jadi presiden gak akan mendadak bikin Indonesia maju sejajar dengan Amerika. Gak akan tiba-tiba macet hilang. Well, di aminin aja sebenarnya(amiiin). Tapi ayolah, itu semua butuh proses. Dan prosesnya itu justru yang paling penting dimana peran kita benar-benar dibutuhkan. Mengawasi. Mengingatkan. Apresiasi juga pemimpin kita. Saya juga agak prihatin sih..gampang banget ya sekarang orang bikin Meme. Pake Prabowo atau Jokowi. Duh, calon pemimpin dipermainkan begitu. Lucu sih, saya juga cengengesan liatnya. Tapi mana respectnya sama mereka? Kebayang gak, perasaan kalian kalo itu Ayah kalian yang dijadiin Meme dimana-mana? Atau Om? Atau Kakek? Not so funny anymore, eh?

Santunnya orang Indonesia itu salah satu ciri khas bangsa kita. Sayangnya di era Orde Baru santun ini malah jadi senjata makan tuan, kesantunan jadi semacam alasan untuk menutupi ketidakadilan yang dirasakan masyarakat. Sakitnya disimpan dalam hati karena kalau diumbar nanti nggak santun. Nggak santun nanti nggak Indonesia. Nggak Indonesia nanti dimarahin pemerintah. Ya gitu deh.

Sementara sekarang, orang-orang berlomba memamerkan sakit hatinya. Santun udah gak jaman, yang jaman tuh Express Yourself! Bagus-bagus aja kok. Dukung! Tapi santunnya jangan ditendang ke pojok ke trus dimusuhin gitu dong. Bisa kan mengekspresikan diri dengan santun? Bisa kok, yakin :)

Duh, ngakunya mahasiswa tapi ini tulisan gak ada ilmiah-ilmiahnya sama sekali. Yaaah...maafin deh. Cuma curhat aja kok dikit.

Jangan lupa ya besok dipakai hak pilihnya! :)

Friday, May 23, 2014

Why can't we all

just sit around and smell the rotten roses?

bathing in the luxury of the living;

....especially the part which confirm our humanity...

                   the chance to be a broken one.

to feel how painful it is to breathe and not living;
         to savor the invisible bleeding in our skin
                  to walk the thin line between life and not a life
                        to be moot.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Fragile.

There are times when we just feel so fragile. So vulnerable. A simple blow of wind could knock you off. Making you wither and shiver. Sending a longing signal to your lonely brain. Forming a sharp thought of happiness that manages to tear you apart and leave you bleeding to your death.

Being a ghost, I imagine, must be a lot like feeling fragile. You are transparent. You have no real power. Don't even bother to try to reach for help when you know they can barely hear you.

Because you. are. a. ghost.

Your fragility does that to you.

Because when you're hurting

You are being reminded of your own humanity.

Of your own weak flesh.

Of your thick blood running in veins.

Of your soft skin grazing the air.

Of your lungs full of relief.

Of your heart beating in sync.

Of your brain muttering in silence.

Of your very existence on the surface of the Earth.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Beads of pearl.

...just ran down my cheek.

Over something inexplainable.

A melted pot of anger, jealousy, hatred, selfish wanton, ego, and loneliness.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

You

Yes, you.

Thank you for ruining birthday for me.

Thank you for reminding me that I am worthless right on the day I aged another year older.

Thank you for giving me love and taking it right away.

Thank you for teaching me all about pleasure and pain.

Thank you for coming and going in my life.

Thank you for ruining April 27th for me, for my family, and for my friends.

Thank you for ripping my heart apart.

Thank you.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Trapped.

It begins down there. Bubbling, stirring. In the depth of your gut.

When joy starts to drifting away, you have to grasp onto a surface.

When the surface starts to crumble, probably you need to grip it harder. Keep it together.

And when you're tired, you should be able to let go.

Because to let go is to be humane.

Monday, April 21, 2014

I feel like I'm drowning.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Mellow Melody

As I laid my head upon my pillows, I couldn't help but thinking;

How are you doing there?
Are you fine?
Don't be stressed out.
Have I crossed your mind today?

The Mind is A Multi Faced Bit*h

Have you ever felt betrayed by your own mind?

I have.