Dear Lecturer

I've been thinking about writing this post for quite some time, so here it comes.

Dear lecturer,
First of all, I want you to know that you are awesome. No, seriously. This is not me trying to kiss your butt up. I do find you awesome (and I know almost everyone in our class thought the same). I think you're aware that you're awesome, but I just need to let you know what I (we) think about you.

I'm always fascinated by smart people. Not just academic smart nor street smart; just smart in general. Like, people who actually think and utilize their brain. I aspire to be one someday. I kinda aspire to be like you, someday. You are that awesome.

I'm kind of confused though. Why do I get the sense that you think we hate you? I hate to think that I know what other people think, but here it comes. Every time you talk to us, both during good and bad times, I feel like you're kind of cornering us to say that yes, you are an awful lecturer. You declare yourself as the bitchy lecturer who force us to read the materials. Truth is, YOU ARE FREAKING NOT. Yes, at times your words can be harsh, but we can bear with it. We may not cry in joy when you point out that we have to read this and do that, but that doesn't mean we hate it. Do you know how much we (I) love getting new knowledge from you? Do you know how enlightened we(I) feel after leaving your class? Do you know how much we(I) like to refer to what you taught us in class? (Though this is against your standpoint, we should refer to the reading materials. But oh well...we're still learning, after all, so pardon us please? :P But I assure you, we're trying here.) We see your point and your good intentions and we're grateful for it. We don't hate you. We like you, we like the way you teach, we like the subject you teach, we're grateful for the knowledge you share. We may not show it, we're not perfect students, but yes, we, in general, we like you (cos love is such a heavy word). So please, don't ever think that we hate you when in fact, we like you so very much. 

(anyway, I said earlier how I hate to think that I know what other people think then I accused you right after. I totally see the irony. Duh me.)

Moving on.

I owe you an apology. Sometimes I forget that despite all your awesomeness, you're just a human being like us. Sometimes I forget that you're not a robot; you also have feelings. Sometimes I let my admiration to you cloud my judgement of you. I did, more than once, thought that such an awesome, open minded person like you should never, ever, act or talk in the way that you did. I forgot that you are human. You, I, us, we all are fluid. We feel what we feel.

I hope you don't find my (our) admiration to you as a burden. 

It broke my heart when you offered us to switch lecturer. I immediately asked myself; am I really that bad of a student? Then I thought, no. I'm not a bad student. I'm not a perfect student either, but definitely not a bad student. I prepare for your class (though I don't always get it), I never came late, I don't play with my gadgets (well, sometimes I swipe over the screen for a quick look but that's it I can't help), I speak my thoughts in class, I ask question though not always (and not a very good question, too). I'm definitely not a good student, but I am, not in any way, a bad student.

You once said that you accept us for the way we are, and in return, we have to accept you for who you are. Couldn't agree more. 

I think what we need is just...a thorough, meaningful, conversation. Communicate our feelings. I think. I think. I think once we get to see where each other stand...I think, I think. I think we'll do just fine. I think we'll get along. I think.

I know what happened last week was bad. I know what he did (I refuse to address it as a group's action) totally upset you. I understand. But I would like, very much, for you to not put aside the other 29 kids in the class who already prepared to come to your class. I understand you don't want to treat us differently. I understand your good intention, I really do. I just would like very much for you to not overlook us who really want to learn from you.

I am such a demanding student, I know.